Unboxed Identities: Rethinking Children's Labels
Navigating Labels: Understanding the Impact of Perception on Responsibility and Resilience in Children
From the moment a child enters the world, we attach labels—labels that shape their identity and, ultimately, their future. We call them “smart”, “strong”, “sensitive”, “anxious”, “shy”, “obedient”, ”stubborn" or “bossy”. We reinforce these definitions with praise, protection, or correction. On the surface, these labels may seem harmless, even helpful. But what if these words, these seemingly innocent definitions, are doing more harm than good? What if, by labeling our children, we are limiting their potential and, in turn, teaching them to box themselves into identities they might never fully outgrow?
The Power of Labels: Do They Uplift or Imprison?
Labels have a peculiar kind of power. When we tell our children they’re “smart” or “strong,” it sounds positive—something that will boost their self-esteem and encourage them to strive for more. But here’s the question no one asks: What happens when they can’t live up to that label? What happens when the child who’s always been called “smart” makes a mistake? Does the label disappear, or worse, does the child feel they’ve somehow failed at being the person you’ve told them they are?
Each label we assign to children—whether it's "bossy," "anxious," or any other term—carries with it the weight of expectation. These labels not only shape how children view themselves but also dictate how they feel compelled to behave with their peers.
These labels, whether we realise it or not, become invisible shackles. Suddenly, the child is no longer free to explore who they truly are because they’re bound by what they’ve been told they should be. The pressure builds. If they’ve been called “smart,” then they must always be smart. If they’ve been labeled “strong,” then they must never show weakness. But here’s the truth: no one can live up to a label forever. Not without suffocating under the weight of it.
Positive Reinforcement or Subtle Manipulation?
Psychology has a term for this: positive reinforcement. We label our children in ways we think will encourage them, using words that seem uplifting. But are we really helping them, or are we subtly manipulating them into becoming what we need them to be? Why do we feel the need to label them at all? Is it because we think it will lead them to success, or because it makes us, as parents, feel in control—like we’re shaping their destiny?
The real question isn’t whether these labels boost their confidence. It’s whether they box them in. Do our children now feel they must maintain this image of being “smart” or “capable” just to keep up with our expectations? And when they inevitably stumble, how do they reconcile that fall with the person they’ve been told they are?
The Burden of Potential: The Hidden Cost of Overachievement
Let’s talk about potential. Every parent wants to see their child succeed, to tap into their full potential. But here’s where things get tricky: potential is not a roadmap. It’s more like the horizon—always out of reach, always moving. As parents, when we see great potential in our children, we often compare them to an ideal, hoping they’ll achieve that greatness. But here’s the problem: ideals aren’t meant to be reached. They’re there to remind us of what’s possible, not to measure us against. They inspire, but when we use them to judge, they become dangerous.
This concept, beautifully explained in the book The Gap and the Gain, shows how comparing our children (or ourselves) to an ideal often leaves us feeling like we’re never enough. We chase that horizon, but it keeps moving, always just out of reach. And when we do this to our kids, when we compare them to an unreachable ideal, we set them up for a lifelong sense of inadequacy.
No matter how much effort they put in, they’ll feel like they’re constantly falling short. The ideal we hold over them becomes a weight they carry, always trying to meet an expectation that keeps slipping away. And when they realize that no matter how hard they try, they will never truly "arrive," it creates a deep sense of frustration and failure.
So, the question we need to ask ourselves is: Are we pushing our children towards their potential, or are we pushing them into an endless race with no finish line?
The Risk of Labels That Require "Special Attention": Creating a Lifelong Dependency
Now, let’s flip the script. What about the labels that aren’t necessarily negative, but concerning—those that suggest something is out of the “norm”? What about when we call our children “anxious,” “sensitive,” or “needing special attention” because they struggle with emotions, behaviour, or focus? These labels don’t just shape how we see our children—they shape how they see themselves. And once these labels stick, they can become identities that are hard to shed.
When we label our children with traits that require concern or accommodation, we create a specific expectation for how the world should treat them. We inform teachers, we educate classmates, we make sure everyone is aware of their special needs. We protect them, ensuring they are handled with extra care. But what happens when these children grow up? What happens when the world no longer accommodates their needs because they are expected to stand on their own?
By labelling our children in ways that set them apart, we risk taking responsibility away from them. We may inadvertently remove their power to navigate their own challenges and manage their emotions. In our efforts to protect them and ensure their comfort, we might undermine their ability to build the resilience they need to function independently. As parents, we may carry the weight of these labels for them, but eventually, they will have to carry it themselves. Are we preparing them for that?
This is not about ignoring awareness or kindness or educating children about the diversity of people, but it has to do with shifting the responsibility away from them and onto others.
The Hidden Costs of Labeling: Are We Creating Fragility Instead of Strength?
In labelling our children—whether positively or negatively—we are, in many ways, robbing them of the chance to define themselves. We are shaping their identities based on what we see, rather than allowing them to explore who they truly are. And as they grow, they will begin to internalize these labels. They will start to believe they are either always "smart" or forever "anxious." And they will expect the world to see them that way too.
The world won’t always meet them with the same care and understanding. By giving them these labels, are we unintentionally creating fragility instead of resilience? Are we teaching them that they must always live up to the expectations we’ve set, or else they’ve failed?
Breaking Free from the Box
So, here’s the challenge: Let’s stop boxing our children into labels. Let’s allow them to evolve without the weight of expectations attached to words like “smart,” “capable,” “anxious,” or “strong.” Let’s give them the space to grow, to fail, to discover who they really are—without the pressure of living up to a definition.
And for ourselves, as parents, let’s take a step back and ask why we feel the need to label at all. Is it for our children’s sake—or is it for ours?
Our children are so much more than the labels we place on them. It’s time we let them show us who they really are, unboxed and free.
